A Look at Pros and Cons

Still loving birds nests.

For the last few weeks James and I have been having some intense conversations on adoption. And I am finally feeling the need to put most of my thoughts down so I can try and sort through them all.

One of the major differences between my desire to start a family and James desire to start a family has been biology.

It has never been important to James to have a biological child. He has just wanted to be a parent through all of this and didn't care how that happened. In fact he has wanted to adopt since his early 20’s. (There were however many years between then and now when he had no desire whatsoever to actually have kids but that is neither here nor there.)

For me however I have always wanted to be a Mom and have never given much thought to adoption. I just always assumed that I would be giving birth to my children. I have thought of adoption in the sense that I have great respect for those that do adopt; it was just never in my scope to think of myself in that situation.

And yet here I am.

So once we made the decision that our path would lead us to adoption James had no qualms about it. Sure there were some things that he needs/needed to figure out concretely but for me I have had to completely change the way I see my future. I am still trying to sort through quite a lot of decisions that I need to make in regards to my comfort level when it comes to adoption.

I have decided to look at the different options available to us and to list some of my pros and cons in terms of Domestic, Intercountry ~ US or Both. I will note here that I am not interested in Intercountry (everywhere else) adoption. There are no real pros for me and only a whole bunch of cons. It may be that I am not really educated in this option but it does not speak to my heart.

Domestic

Pros

Canada: I am Canadian and proud of it. I love my country and I love the people here. I would absolutely love if my child were born here as well.

Openness: I am very attached to my family and my family history. I can’t imagine adopting a child and denying them that right to know who they are and where they come from. In this respect I have no issues at all having a fully open adoption. I would love it if my child had questions and was able to pick up the phone and call their birth family to find the answers.

Price: For Domestic adoptions the price is around $15,000. This is a number that I can deal with. It does not make me want to vomit.

Infant Adoption: We very much want to adopt a baby. I don’t think we are ready for a toddler or older child.

Cons

Wait Time: Because of the way the legislature is set up in Canada you can only deal with one of 6 licensed agencies here in British Columbia. I am not able to deal with another agency or lawyer out of province. Meaning that if I want to widen my scope and have our profile in Ontario we need to do the leg work and yet still deal with an agency here in BC. Over the last 2 years most agencies in BC adopted 50-60 “local” infants. This # means nothing as there are no stats that show the number of applications filed or how long the applicant had to wait. It can be short (if you are blessed) but usually you are looking at years before you are matched with a birthmom. Another reason for increased wait time in Canada (that some people feel) is that there are fewer women that give their babies up for adoption as we have a better medical system and better social systems made to support the birthmoms.

Intercountry ~ US

Pros

Openness: While this is considered another country we are close enough to still maintain an open adoption. This is a huge plus.

Decreased Wait Time: This is an obvious as there are just so many more people in the States. I have seen some agencies that adopt our more babies per year than the entire population of my elementary school. Increased population means higher chance of being matched.

Greater Ethnic Diversity: I love that there are so many different cultures in the US. You see it a bit here in Vancouver and more so in Toronto, but seeing that James and I have no preference on the ethnicity of our child I love that if we adopt from the US that we will have a multicultural family. That pleases me to no end.

Infant Adoption: Same thing as Domestic.

Cons

Price: I hate that I have to write this down but I cannot lie to myself. The average price of adopting in the States is around $30, 000 and can increase depending on if the birthmom has insurance or not. I have heard of some agencies demanding that the adoptive parents pay for the medical expenses as well as any housing expenses for the birthmom. Now I try to remain calm when I hear this as I do not live in that country and have no idea what it is like not to have medical coverage but I have a huge ethical/morale issue in regards to this. I am fine paying legal fees and even salaries for the Social Workers but I AM NOT COMFORTABLE paying another women to have my child. I do not know if this makes any sense as I want to adopt my child. James thinks that I am fooling myself in thinking that we are doing anything other than essentially “buying” our baby.

I guess this is where I stand in regards to my thoughts on our options. And to me it looks like I want the best of both. But I am not going to be able to have both so I need to decide which one works best for us.

This is not easy.

Really I would be completely happy signing up for both Domestic and US adoptions if it weren’t for the cost of the US. I can’t describe how horrible this makes me feel. That I am essentially putting a price tag on my child.

For me I have always been in debt. My family was not well off growing up and James and I made some very stupid financial non-decisions in the past. We have worked very hard and are less than 2 years away from paying off all of our debts. I fully understand that having a child is an expensive task over the long run but it literally makes me sick to think that I will potentially have to go hugely (for me) into debt again to just start our family.

I am not sure if this is something that I can live with over the next 5-6 years.

I also realize that if I am not comfortable paying this amount of money then I just choose the Domestic adoption. While I am not at the point of wanting a baby RIGHT NOW, I also do not want to wait another 5 years.

I need to figure out a way to make a decision and learn to live with it or I will never get anywhere.