Crashing Waves.

Pacific Rim National Park, Ucluelet BC

I am still trying to trust my body.

This is very hard for me to do as I have so often felt betrayed by it.

Since I was a child it seems as though there has always been some sort of ailment that I have had. Some have been small and have passed; while some have been more serious and are ailments that will most likely follow me to my grave. These are the ones that I have had to learn how to deal with and manage and in some ways have made me a stronger woman.

There have been many times throughout my life when I have secretly wished that I was more like my mother and sister. Both of these amazing women have been blessed with very little medical dilemmas.

About a month before my sister went into labour with her first, she confided in me that she was concerned about giving birth because she had never once had menstrual cramps or even a headache.

And here I am the one with severe cramps and a host of other sometimes painful problems.

But each day I try to focus on the gift these challenges have given me. Because of the things I have gone through I try not to take for granted the things I have, and the strength I have because of them.

I have seen first had through my many hospital stays just how much worse many other people’s problems are.

A nurse once told me that for most people their medical problems tend to stick to one area of the body; for some it’s the muscles or bones, for others it their stomachs and digestive tracts. And a few people have many areas while a few blessed people have no problems at all. She seemed happy with her little analogy that somehow this balanced everything out in the end.

I am ok with the many challenges I have had and I have learned how to live with them.

But somehow I cannot accept this new one.

I never thought that my reproductive system would ever let me down. And for some reason this hurts more than I care to admit.

I keep telling myself that if a Mother is all I have ever wanted to be how can I not be getting pregnant?

How can my cycle, after almost a year and half off hormonal birth control, still not be regulating?

How can other women get pregnant so easily when you really only have a short window each month.

I need to somehow learn how to deal with this or I feel it will lead to a very bad place. I don’t want to cause myself any more pain than I already am in.

And more importantly I don’t want this to affect my relationship with James.