I call Bullshit.

My Chart

Tomorrow is my first appointment with my Fertility Specialist and I am anxious as hell. At first I was very excited and then a few days ago I decided I didn't want to go at all; now I am just nervous.

I know this is a step forward but I am still afraid of what she is going to say to me.

After reading this post I am starting to realize what is really holding me back from dealing with our ttc journey. For Andrea it was the shame of being a bad person but for me it is a fear that there is something wrong with me and Jamesas a couple.

My self-talk sounds something like this:

"Maybe the reason we can't get pregnant is because our marriage isn't strong enough.

Maybe if we were more connected, dealt with issues better, if we were more of a unit we would already be parents.

If we were better at communicating with each other or if we had more fun together our child would want to be with us.

This must be some sort of sign that we really shouldn't be together.

Maybe this is the Universe's way of telling us there is someone/thing better out there."

Deep down I know this is a load of crap. After 14 years and many struggles together I feel that our marriage is amazing. Sure it has its wrinkles but they will only make us stronger.

I hate this sort of self-talk. The type of thinking that questions your fundamentals. That makes you second guess your heart.

This cycle is the first time in almost a year and a half that I have done literally nothing to try and get pregnant. Yes I still think about it every day but I am not putting any energy into it. It feels very strange and yet it also feels very ... I’m not sure what the right word is. I just feel much more comfortable in my skin.

And a lot less heavy.