It wasn't over. It still isn't over.

The Notebook, 2004


I finally succumbed to peer pressure last night and watched The Notebook. About 3 weeks ago I asked my girlfriends to recommend a really good Chick Flick – I was looking for something along the lines of Clueless or Can’t Hardly Wait. I really wanted a good funny Chick Flick but all of my friends recommend The Notebook. Now 4 years ago when it came out I was working in a large bookstore and the hype over the movie really bothered me; especially since I thought (and still kinda do) that Nicholas Sparks is not that great of an author. But I really rebelled against seeing this movie also because my relationship with James was in a not so great place and I was NOT interested in watching a sappy love story. Once the movie came out and EVERYONE had seen it the plot was spoiled for me (or so I thought). I knew it was about an old man who was ready a love story to an old lady in a home. I knew that the love story was their story and had also heard that the old lady dies in the end and that it was traumatizing for most people to watch. All of these reasons were reason enough for me not to watch this movie.

But as I stated last night I gave in and watched the damn movie. And it was amazing. And the ending, oh my god the ending! To be honest I was disappointed in the older couple storyline and just wanted more young couple movie but the way it ended ... wounded me. By the time the movie was over I had shed tears as I always do with sad movies but when it was done I came out onto the couch with my dinner and James asked if the woman died. And I told him how it ended and just started sobbing. I couldn’t believe how much I cried and how much I couldn’t stop myself. It was as though some damn had finally burst and all of these emotions came crashing out. I was crying so hard that my chest was heaving and I couldn’t breathe and I was making the most primitive noises. We were both a little shocked as I have not cried like that, well in a very long time. I didn’t even cry that hard when I left James or when we got back together and had some very serious emotionally charged conversations. There was even a point during my breakdown that James said something very funny and we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe, and of course it made me cry even harder. So there I was laughing and crying my eyes out both at the same time. And more importantly during all of my water works I talked about life and marriage, mortality and ttcing. But mostly I just cried.

Today I still feel a bit raw and vulnerable. As though I need to protect myself. But I am happy that I had the opportunity to bust down that dam and get some of the crap that I have been holding in out. And I am also happy to hear that Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are back together.