Blackness blackness dragging me down.

This is where I am right now.

On Thursday we met with my specialist and received the results of both of our tests.

I am still a bit in shock and cannot process what we were told.

I was devastated in the office and managed to make it out into the parking lot where we were nice and waited for a car to pull out a few feet in front of us. It wasn’t until I made the mistake of turning my head and seeing a “Baby On Board” sign on the back of someone’s window that I completely lost it.

I made it into the car where I took off my glasses and completely broke down.

By 7pm that night James and I were both exhausted from crying and talking the whole day. I seriously was so tired I could hardly lift my arms.

I honestly thought that we would go in and find out that they couldn’t find a definite reason why we were not pregnant yet. But they did find a definite reason. I even asked if there was any way the test could be wrong. She responded with an “of course!” which was quickly followed up with a “but in your specific situation that is highly unlikely”. Which sounds harsh but she was actually really nice about it.

And of course after that I can’t really remember much of anything else that was discussed. I don’t remember the name of the Dr I’m being referred to, or what any of the procedures she spoke about are.

I think I may call the office back and ask for more details.

I am still not ok.

And oddly I was fine talking to the 4 people at work that know roughly about my ttc journey. I told 2 of them the full details.

But I cannot talk to friends or family about it, and I cannot write out what we were told.

I can’t even think about talking about it; if that makes sense. I tried to rationalize telling coworkers over people I care about but it actually makes sense to me. With “other” people I can be clinical about it, I don’t have to talk about the reality of it or how I am feeling inside. With friends this isn’t an option.

I am not sure when I will be ok with this, but I am hoping that once I see my potential surgeon and find out all the details and get a better idea of what our options are I will be able to deal with this. In the mean time the one good thing to come out of this is the fact that James and I are closer than ever.

I truly love him and feel so much support from him. In this regard I feel very blessed.